# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
