So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
