Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
