just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
