I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
