I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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