True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize