Your face is a jimmy john
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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