my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
either way he was missing a nipple.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
