You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
