People in love make me want to vomit
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
