look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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