Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
