just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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