Welp...herpes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The Olympian is in my bed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
