Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
