you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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