im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
