Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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