The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
