theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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