my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
