i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
