he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
