You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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