She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
