I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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