She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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