Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
