You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
