im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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