why didn't you poke me back
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize