my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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