I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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