turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
