Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
