just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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