Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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