He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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