What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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