They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
