he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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