My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize