i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would ride that face into the sunset
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize