handjob tips. give me some.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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