I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
