Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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