If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
