I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
