I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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