I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
