Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
either way he was missing a nipple.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize