And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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