girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
