Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
