im drinking this country out of the recession.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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