the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
