I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
