i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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