Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
