I wish I could teleport
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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