the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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