Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
